Monthly Archives: August 2012

A Full Time Job

I had an interview for a full time job, you know, the kind where you work grown-up hours. I was so nervous that I was thisclose to barfing and/or crying the entire 20 hours leading up to it. But it was surprisingly brief and painless. At least, I think it was painless. Maybe it was painful in the way you get hurt and don’t realize you were hemorrhaging until you’re dead. I have to wait until Monday to find out if I’m getting hired I guess but this wait is much less anxiety-inducing. 

I feel like getting a full time job at this age and in this situation is dancing in dangerous territory. This is how it begins, you know: You’re off from school and looking for work. You accidentally fall into this full-time gig and hey, you’ve got nothing but time because you’re not in school right now and besides, more work, more money, and you can support yourself! That’s exciting, the thrill of being self-sufficient. And you’ll still have funds left over to save for when you go back, because, at this point, you still plan on going back. And at first maybe you can’t wait to quit, at first, maybe it really is a temporary position to you. But then you get used to it. And you get good at it. And then they give you responsibility. And then the office needs you there and you know the people and you care about the people there so you can’t just abandon them. And then you don’t have the time to go back to school so you say, “I’ll start in summer instead.” 

And then it’s fall semester. 

And then it’s spring semester again.

And then you’re thirty and you’ve delayed going back to college for so long and you already have a good job so who needs it, right? But you’re just saying that because you’ve gotten comfortable and you’re making excuses.

I don’t want to be thirty and making excuses.

Synthetic Salt

If I were to compare music to food [which I am obviously about to do], to me, electronic or synthetic music or beats or noises are like seasoning, they’re like salt: it goes well with many foods, but you probably [definitely] won’t catch me sprinkling salt on my Frosted Flakes [frosted flakes are like folk rock or something] and you definitely [DEFINITELY] won’t ever catch me eating a bowl of just salt.

But maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration, because you might, on rare occasions, catch me listening to pure electronic music… kind of how I might lick extra salt off my fingers after I finish my fries… in both cases I would just be consuming a pretty small quantity.

But just like too much salt on your fries will ruin them, too much synth in a song can ruin it.

Both are just my opinions I guess though because people obviously do consume grand amounts of or nothing but synthetic music and some people are probably taking a swig of salt from the container as they read this.  

Apathy Is The Way To Go

Whenever I’m presented with a good opportunity or a positive change or, you know, exactly what I fucking want, I just can’t seem to follow through. It’s being practically handed to me and I just can’t bring myself to reach my hand out to take it. It’s not even that it’s too difficult to take or too difficult to handle after I take it, I just put it off until the window of opportunity closes.

I just keep sabotaging myself and I don’t get why I’m doing this to myself. 

But I always seem to get things and do well when I don’t really care. Things worked themselves out effortlessly, seamlessly when I couldn’t care too much less. But as soon as I want something, I always manage to find some way to screw myself over. 

Wanting things is bad. Apathy is the way to go.