Behind and Other Inadequecies

I’m so focused on the distant distant future that I’m not even paying attention to right now or you know, actually getting there.

I can’t shake the thought that when i finally get around to doing everything that I want to do, and when I’m finally where I wish I was right now, i’m going to be too old to enjoy it and I’m going to be at the next age bracket where where I should be doing something else, where I should be at the next stage of life.

I feel like I’m never going to catch up. I’m always fucking behind.

I feel like I’m behind on life but really far ahead, too far ahead when it comes to how I look at the world. I’m bored with or “so over” things that I’ve never even done. Prematurely jaded, I once said. I haven’t fully experienced any real shittiness of the world is and I’m already beyond caring that it’s out there.

I always find myself thinking that there are so many folks my age that are really naive, painfully naive, but I don’t know why I think I know better. Maybe I’m the naive one. maybe I subconsciously think that having hope or believing positive things can happen for no reason is naive [just typing that makes me cringe because it sounds so naive to me] so I go as far as I can in the opposite direction.

I don’t know.

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