I have to take it easy on myself. I have to make a routine for myself. As much as I’d like to be the kind of person who can take on everything at once and manage to make something spectacular out of everyday without making a plan first, I”m not that kind of person. I’m not always that kind of person and I can’t handle that.
I resent myself for it but that’s something I can handle.
A while ago I said that I was perpetually unsure if Lady Gaga was legitimately that weird or if she was faking it and someone responded to me and said something along the lines of “in a world like that why be anything other than yourself.” And I didn’t respond because they were wrong.
I know it was a rhetorical question, but it’s the opposite really. In a world like that, If you want people to notice you, if you want people to be fascinated with you, which you do, if your goal is fame, why wouldn’t you act strange? If who you are is normal, why would you act like yourself. Normal people aren’t fascinating. Normal people blend in.
People do it all the time. They’re like, look at how weird I am, look at how strange I am, look at how eccentric I am, I’m so different I’m an ARTIST because people are desperate to be special. But there’s nothing different or weird or special about trying to be special.
I’m not explicitly saying that she is faking it, I was just saying.
I can’t shake the feeling that I’m just a Has Been who never actually was, just clinging to talent I used to have.
I’m too young to feel like this, dammit, too goddamn young.
I can’t shake the feeling that I’m just a wannabe. So I never claim to be an artist, I never take the title, I never brag about being talented or having once been talented, i never try, I never admit im trying, because if you’re not claiming to be one or trying to be one you’re not a wannabe because you’re not seeming to want it at all.
I don’t think there’s anything that makes me feel more helpless than wanting something I can never have but continuing to want it anyway.